Sunday, 28 August 2011

My first feelings when realising I wouldnt walk "normally" again.

To say my journey through this disability has had its ups and downs is a massive understatement. My moods and feelings have changed drastically from hour to hour, often leaving me confused and paranoid leaving me feeling like I didn't know my place in the world no more.

In the beginning I didn't like to discuss my situation with anyone, including my partner who without doubt my closest friend. By discussing the issues meant thinking about the obstacles and issues me and my family would have to face in the future, and that scared me more than anything I have ever faced.

I felt real anger at people who were offering me advice, services or general help. This meant for a long time we struggled for a longtime as a family and me personally as an individual. People would often try and give me a shoulder to offload my troubles on, although this was a kind thing to do I found it patronizing and annoying. This attitude often cut us of as a family from any kind of support, although looking back on it a realising how selfish it was, at the time that was my defence mode again protecting me from the reality. The thought of admitting to needing help made me feel less manly in a way as I was a proud man who prided myself on sorting problems out on my own.

This is only a brief snapshot of how I felt at first, it is nearly impossible to explain those feelings in words (and not to bore you!).
It was the lowest time of my life, with my partner and children's support and love I am now coming to terms with things and starting to live life a bit more, although I still have a long way to go until I fully come to terms and adapt accordingly. Without my partner and children's support I doubt that I would be here today, many days the feelings of uselessness and inadequacy resulting in thoughts that it would be better for me and others if I wasn't part of the world anymore. Luckily I realised that I could still live a life full of enjoyment and experiences, just a bit different to how it was before.

Hopefully this blog can give people an insight into this kind of situation, many people young and old go through this each year, until it happened to me I was ignorant to this kind of thing, but now have felt all the feelings and emotions first hand.

"The future is literally in our hands to mold as we like. But we cannot wait until tomorrow. Tomorrow is now. "
Eleanor Roosevelt
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